Tired of Waiting

Like the title says. I'm tired of waiting. I am going to go get Ethan. Shouldn't be a problem. I've got my map:


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I've got my directions:

5. Take exit 10B to merge onto I-90 W 935 mi
6. Merge onto I-15 S 7.6 mi
7. Slight left onto I-90 W 579 mi
8. Take exit 10 to merge onto I-405 N toward Bellevue 3.3 mi
9. Take the exit toward WA-520 W 0.5 mi
10. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for Washington 520 W and merge onto WA-520 W
Partial toll road 5.8 mi
11. Take the Montlake Blvd exit
Toll road 0.5 mi
12. Merge onto Montlake Blvd E 0.3 mi
13. Slight left onto NE Pacific St 0.8 mi
14. Slight left onto NE Northlake Way 0.2 mi
15. Turn left to stay on NE Northlake Way 79 ft
16. Turn right to stay on NE Northlake Way 1.0 mi
17. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean 2,756 mi
18. Continue straight 0.1 mi
19. Turn left onto Kuilima Dr 0.5 mi
20. Take the 3rd right onto HI-83 W 12.4 mi
21. Continue straight onto HI-99 S/​Kamehameha Hwy 6.5 mi
22. Slight left onto HI-80 S/​Kamehameha Hwy
Continue to follow Kamehameha Hwy 2.1 mi
23. Take the Interstate H-2 S ramp to Honolulu 0.2 mi
24. Merge onto I-H-2 S 7.9 mi
25. Merge onto I-H-1 E 4.7 mi
26. Take exit 13B toward Halawa Hts. Stadium 0.3 mi
27. Merge onto I-H-201 E 4.1 mi
28. Merge onto I-H-1 E 4.1 mi
29. Take exit 23 for Punahou St toward Waikiki/​Manoa 0.2 mi
30. Turn right onto Punahou St 0.1 mi
31. Turn right onto S Beretania St 0.1 mi
32. Take the 1st left onto Kalakaua Ave 1.9 mi
33. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean 3,879 mi
34. Turn left toward 県道275号線 0.4 mi
35. Turn left toward 県道275号線 358 ft
36. Turn left toward 県道275号線 0.2 mi
37. Turn right onto 県道275号線 0.1 mi
38. Turn left onto 国道125号線 0.1 mi
39. Turn right onto 県道24号線 0.6 mi
40. Turn left at 千束町（交差点） onto 国道354号線 2.0 mi
41. Turn right at 中村陸橋下（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線 1.0 mi
42. Take the ramp to 常磐自動車道
Toll road 0.3 mi
43. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for 東京 and merge onto 常磐自動車道
Toll road 23.8 mi
44. Take exit 三郷ＪＣＴ on the right toward 首都高・銀座・湾岸線
Toll road 0.7 mi
45. Merge onto 首都高速6号三郷線
Toll road 5.8 mi
46. Take exit 小菅ＪＣＴ toward 湾岸線・銀座
Toll road 0.3 mi
47. Merge onto 首都高速中央環状線
Toll road 0.4 mi
48. Take exit 堀切ＪＣＴ on the right toward 銀座
Toll road 0.3 mi
49. Merge onto 首都高速6号向島線
Toll road 5.4 mi
50. Take exit 江戸橋ＪＣＴ on the right toward 神田橋・北池袋
Toll road 0.4 mi
51. Merge onto 首都高速都心環状線
Toll road 3.8 mi
52. Take exit 谷町ＪＣＴ on the right toward 東名・渋谷
Toll road 0.3 mi
53. Merge onto 首都高速3号渋谷線
Toll road 6.9 mi
54. Continue onto 東名高速道路
Toll road 189 mi
55. Take exit 豊田ＪＣＴ toward 東海環状・伊勢湾岸道・豊田東出口・土岐ＪＣＴ・四日市・新名神
Toll road 0.3 mi
56. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 伊勢湾岸道・四日市・新名神 and merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road 19.8 mi
57. Take the ramp onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road 12.1 mi
58. Take exit 四日市ＪＣＴ on the right toward 東名阪道・大阪・伊勢道
Toll road 0.6 mi
59. Merge onto 東名阪自動車道
Toll road 13.8 mi
60. Take exit 亀山ＪＣＴ toward 新名神・京都・大阪
Toll road 0.6 mi
61. Merge onto 新名神高速道路
Toll road 30.9 mi
62. Take exit 草津ＪＣＴ toward 草津ＰＡ・名神・京滋・京都・大阪
Toll road 0.2 mi
63. Take exit 草津ＰＡ on the right toward 名神
Toll road 0.5 mi
64. Merge onto 名神高速道路
Toll road 30.1 mi
65. Take exit 吹田ＪＣＴ toward 中国道・山陽道・宝塚・岡山
Toll road 1.1 mi
66. Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road 18.8 mi
67. Take exit 神戸ＪＣＴ toward 山陽道・岡山・徳島
Toll road 0.9 mi
68. Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road 192 mi
69. Take exit 廿日市ＪＣＴ on the right toward 山陽道・岩国・北九州
Toll road 0.9 mi
70. Merge onto 広島岩国道路
Toll road 7.3 mi
71. Take the ramp onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road 59.2 mi
72. Take exit 山口ＪＣＴ on the right toward 中国道・下関・北九州
Toll road 0.8 mi
73. Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road 39.9 mi
74. Continue onto 関門橋
Toll road 5.9 mi
75. Continue onto 九州自動車道 (signs for 九州道・福岡・熊本)
Toll road 215 mi
76. Take exit 高速鹿児島ＩＣ toward 鹿児島出口・南九州道・川内・伊集院
Toll road 0.2 mi
77. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 川内・伊集院・南九州道 and merge onto 国道3号線
Partial toll road 0.4 mi
78. Take exit 鹿児島西Ｉ．Ｃ on the right toward 南九州道
Toll road 0.4 mi
79. Merge onto 南九州西回り自動車道(市来~鹿児島西)/​鹿児島道路
Toll road 12.7 mi
80. Take the ramp to 国道3号線
Partial toll road 0.9 mi
81. Turn left at 市来Ｉ．Ｃ入口（交差点） onto 国道3号線 (signs for 川内・串木野) 4.5 mi
82. Turn left at 串木野駅（交差点） onto 県道38号線 1.0 mi
83. Turn right 0.2 mi
84. Turn left 0.1 mi
85. Turn left 351 ft
86. Take the 串木野~里~中甑~鹿島~長浜 ferry
Partial toll road 40.3 mi
87. Turn left toward 県道349号線 174 ft
88. Turn right toward 県道349号線 187 ft
89. Turn left onto 県道349号線 5.4 mi
90. Turn right to stay on 県道349号線 1.2 mi
91. Turn left onto 県道350号線 2.1 mi
92. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean 486 mi
93. Continue straight onto 塘后支路 0.2 mi
94. Turn right onto 塘后路 0.3 mi
95. Turn left onto 双城路 0.7 mi
96. Turn right onto 永清路 .7 mi
97. Turn left onto 宝杨路 0.3 mi
98. Slight right to stay on 宝杨路 0.4 mi
99. Take the 2nd right onto 同济路 1.1 mi
100. Turn left onto 富锦路 0.3 mi
101. Take the ramp on the left onto G1501上海绕城高速
Partial toll road 14.4 mi
102. Take exit G15/​宁波/​南通 toward G15沈海高速
Toll road 0.2 mi
103. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G15沈海高速
Toll road 286 mi
104. Take exit G25/​临沂/​连云港港口 toward G25长深高速
Toll road 0.2 mi
105. Take exit 临沂 on the left to merge onto G25长深高速
Toll road 15.0 mi
106. Take exit 班庄/​黑林/​临沂 on the left
Partial toll road 0.7 mi
107. Turn left toward 327国道 0.9 mi
108. Take the 1st right toward 327国道 0.1 mi
109. Continue straight onto 327国道
Partial toll road 19.8 mi
110. Slight left to stay on 327国道 0.8 mi
111. Slight right to stay on 327国道
Partial toll road 14.4 mi
112. Continue onto 沂河路 5.3 mi
113. Take the ramp to G2京沪高速
Partial toll road 0.3 mi
114. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G2京沪高速
Toll road 99.7 mi
115. Take the exit on the left onto S29滨莱高速
Toll road 82.0 mi
116. Continue onto G25长深高速
Toll road 27.0 mi
117. Merge onto G18荣乌高速
Toll road 85.5 mi
118. Slight right onto G25长深高速
Toll road 75.7 mi
119. Take the exit on the left onto 唐津高速
Toll road 26.6 mi
120. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G1京哈高速
Toll road 331 mi
121. Slight right to stay on G1京哈高速
Toll road 159 mi
122. Take the exit on the left onto G0102长春绕城高速
Toll road 7.2 mi
123. Take exit 长白山西景区/​长春/​伊通 on the left toward 人民大街
Toll road 0.9 mi
124. Keep left at the fork to continue toward 人民大街
Partial toll road 1.2 mi
125. Slight right onto 人民大街 1.1 mi
126. Make a U-turn at 南环城路 0.2 mi
127. Turn right 210 ft
128. Turn right 0.1 mi
129. Take the 1st left 217 ft

Changchun, Jilin, China!!

Now, those pesky toll roads may add up and #17 and #33 MAY pose some challenges, but darn it, I think I'm up to it! Besides, #92 should be fun! Here's the thing. If I have to wait much longer (and it looks like I may since we're STILL IN TRANSLATION! GRRRR!), I may take matters into my own hands. Wish me luck!

102 Days

It has been 102 days since we first saw Ethan Fletcher's adorable little face. Over three months since we looked at those kissable cheeks. Three-plus months since our referral of Chang Bo Yong. Our LOI was submitted 47 days ago -- as soon as it was possible after we were logged in over there. We are 41 days into our LOA wait.

I guess the serinity prayer works here as well as anywhere! I can't do anything to move the process along; it's out of my hands. I need patience and acceptance that we will get our approval when the time is right and not a second before. So, God, please grant me patience. NOW -- if possible!!!

Whining

So, here is (essentially) the emails Troy and I traded today. I think it pretty well sums up how I've been feeling.

Subject: Bad Day
I'm having a bad day. No rhyme or reason. Students are being fine. It's this LOA wait; it's really starting to weigh on me, especially knowing we're only 1/3 of the way through it. And, then, realizing that in all probability, you won't get any time home with Ethan this summer, only makes everything worse. I am just sad today. Sad. Frustrated. Upset. Tense. To top it all off, my cold sore is growing to epic proportions. I. Want. To. Cry.......

To which he responded:
Hang in there honey! We just have to know that it is going to happen and we will have our little guy home, safe, and sound this year. We know that we've done everything we can and now we just have to prepare for ANOTHER Awesome trip to China - and just think, it will be with OUR sons!!
Besides, we need to spoil AIDEN as much as possible these last couple of months! Because I want our eldest to be an only child for just a little longer. And maybe we need focus more on getting ready - the boys' room, the closet (needs to be painted), the bed etc. Also focus on getting all of our lesson plans done for August through December next year etc. And I'm sure there are dozens of things I'm forgetting we need to do also.

I love you more than words can say-We will get through this honey.

Da Doo

And I replied:
Thanks, honey.

I know all of that is true. And really, I feel the same way. I don't know why today is one of those days.

One thing is, I just hate the uncertainty of it all. If I KNEW it was going to be another 60 days, I could absolutely deal with that. The fact is, it could be 35, 40....90!! It is just so arbitrary, and I struggle with that. A lot. And, although I do want to enjoy this time with Aiden and us as a family of three, the fact is, we're missing a ton of milestones with Ethan, and he is attaching more every day with his foster family. It breaks my heart. I want to meet him, hold him, play with and comfort him. Screw him up in our own special way!

I'm sure being ultra tired doesn't help. Oh well. This, too, shall pass!

Da doo, too!

Finally:
I know honey - we went through this last time also. We just have to resign ourselves to a later-than-opportune time for us (because what ever really goes our way?? :-) ) And trust me we will screw him up - just look at our little weirdo at home !!

DA DOO TOO!

Really nothing to add to this post. I wasn't even going to put it on here -- just share it with my "virtual world" where they're all going through the same thing. But, this is the reality. Some days stink. When I look back and share this process with the boys, I guess they have the right to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. So, is this bad or ugly or both??!!

One Week. Seven Days.

Nothing in the grand scheme of things. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. Right? A flash in the pan. Chump change. Unless you're waiting for one of THE most significant pieces of paper you will ever receive. In which case, one week, seven days, can seem like an ETERNITY. It has been one measly week since we got an update on our sweet, beautiful baby boy. At that time, we received four pictures and answers to our five questions. One would imagine that that would satisfy a person for more than seven days. It doesn't. And, when you consider it has actually been nearly three months, 83 days to be exact, since we first saw him (that's about 1,992 hours or 119,520 minutes), it was really just a tease.

The only thing(s) that is / are keeping me centered are my loving, patient husband and sweet, gentle, funny and fun son. That, and I keep reminding myself that His timing is perfect, and we will travel when we are supposed to. I also need to remember that these are our last few months as a family of three. Aiden is really just coming into his own. His language and comprehension are starting to develop. His general understand of "things" is improving. He is actually, after almost a year and a half, settled in, comfortable, confident. I need to appreciate that (as I am just beginning to understand) and enjoy us as we are. When we are a family of four, that will be just as it is supposed to be. But for the time being, I want...no need...to just sit back and revel in our family as it is now.

During this time before we make our trip to China to bring home our second son, I am looking back at our first few weeks and months home with Aiden. Because of this reflection, I pray that with Ethan I am more patient and aware of the real and profound trauma he will have experienced. I thought I was with Aiden. I wasn't. I really did not appreciate the shock, stress, and pain he experienced. To be fair, I think I tried. But really, until very recently (thanks to much more reading and close observation and reflection), I don't think I grasped the scope of his required adjustment. I think I, and honestly everybody around me, assumed a week or two, heck, maybe a few months, and he should be fine. I cannot say how often I heard the phrase, "Aw. Kids are resilient. Aren't they amazing." Yes, they are. But they are people with emotions, memories, fears..... Even though I tried to put myself in his shoes, I think I wanted him to be fine. Sometimes I get the feeling that many of the people around me, try as I might to explain, still don't want to hear it. Maybe it is just beyond comprehension. Maybe it is because he was "only 27 months old," or "only 22 months old." They think I'm overstating the situation. I can't blame them. If I was in their place, I would, in all probablility, be thinking and feeling the same way. Maybe, to a certain extent, I did. I pray Aiden didn't pay too high a price for this...well...flippant attitude. It's not that I was abusive or uncaring. It's not that I didn't try to understand or was unfeeling. I just. Didn't. "Get it." I had tried to prepare. I just wasn't. Who knows? I still may not be prepared. How can somebody really prepare to help a person who has been so traumatized? I can only pray and love and pray some more.

Sadly, the reality is, I can't go back and change my expectations for Aiden. I can only go forward from here. And, have I said this before, pray I do better. Hopefully God grants me the wisdom, patience, and heart to do the right thing by that sweet little boy who will one day be, without any real forewarning for him, dropped into this imperfect but loving family several months from now. But, in the meantime, I plan to enjoy the now with this beautifully flawed family of mine!

UPDATE!!!!!

I guess I should have waited to post about my dream so I wouldn't double post in one day! BUT THIS CAN'T WAIT! We got an update today, and we are OVER THE MOON! This morning a (virtual) friend sent me an email saying she'd received an update on her daughter. While I was happy for her, I actually felt a little sad and said aloud, "Aw. I want an update." I looked up at the clock, did the math to see what time it was in Oregon and thought, "Well, it's early there yet. Maybe there's hope for one today." Lo and behold, a couple hours later, my phone vibrates on my desk, and there's a text from Troy telling me, "Check you email! ASAP! Ethan update and pics!" Sure enough. An email from our agency with four pictures and a progress report!! There was another email from Troy saying, "OHHH my goodness - he is soo cute! I am crying right now! I wish I could be there to hug you and look at these together. He looks so good." Yes. That's a direct quote. (Sorry honey) Isn't my hubby sweet? Anyway, as great as it is to see Ethan's adorable, chubby cheeks, the report is what has me thrilled. He is 29.1" tall (little), 26.4# (I hope that's LOADED up with clothes! That's a LOT to lug around -- and it puts him WELL over the 50th percentile!), and has 8 teeth. They also say he is healthy and active, showing no signs of having heart problems which is consistent with his most recent echo. He can apparantly say simple words like "mama", "papa", and "take" in Chinese and can express "thanks" and "bye-bye" with gestures. According to this update, he knows his body parts: eyes, ears, mouth, etc. 'My' doctor, oh yeah, and cousin, who got back to me within MINUTES of receiving the updated file, says his ability to identify body parts would be fairly advanced. (God bless Half the Sky! He attends "class" from 8:30 AM to 11:00 AM Mon - Fri.) Actually, Jessica said that overall, everything looks "great!" We also learned that he has a foster younger sister in his foster home. It is my prayer that somehow, some way we will be able to stay in touch with her and his foster parents. These people are the only family he has known. By the looks of things, they love him and care very well for him. What a blessing. Now. Without further ado. Our new photos!!

First Ethan Adoption Dream and Random Thoughts

Let the insanity begin. I had my first adoption dream for this go-'round. It's awfully early to be starting as I have SEVERAL more months of dreams before this becomes "reality." The dream keeps coming to me in bits and pieces as the day goes on and is fairly disjointed, but suffice it to say, it was not all sweetness and light. It was stressful and nerve-wracking as a matter of fact. The gist of it is as follows: we're trying to catch a plane. My mom and dad are with "us", at least for a while, but I don't recall my better half being around...or Aiden, but I guess they were around somewhere. Odd. Anway, we get to the airport and are ready to board, but the airline attendants are sorry to inform us that the flight to China has been overbooked. Sorry. Sorry? Well, they do this you know? They proceed to tell us we have been bumped, but they'll try to get us on the next flight out. The next day. As much as I try to explain to them, I'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH and one more day is NOT acceptable, they stick to their bottom line, and we are not allowed to board. Then, to add insult to injury, we had been booked in economy plus, but they just don't think it'll be possible now -- going over OR coming back. Again, I tried to get them to see reason to no avail. Just as I'm about to fall apart, I woke up. Aaahhh! So, two weeks into our official wait, eleven since we've first seen Ethan's sweet face, I've started the dreams. Now, I don't recall how early I started with Aiden, but I know they were frequently upsetting. For instance, in one dream, he was not the baby we'd been referred. In fact, he was blond and was speaking English. In another, we didn't get to stay in China and get our baby with the other adoptive families. We had to get on another plane, to England nonetheless, to get him, further delaying our Gottcha Day. You get the picture. Even if they are sweet and happy, it just further drives the point home that he's not with us. The point is, if there is in fact a point, that I want to go get our little guy and bring him home -- even if we're nowhere near close to ready. I started the lists yesterday, and I guess I should be grateful we have several months to prepare. There are booster seats to buy, closet organizers to purchase, beds to put together and rooms to rearrange, etc. Not to mention, money we need to save to actually go to China! The way I look at it, though, other than those pesky travel funds, there's nothing that can't be done once we get our boy home. Hurry up As...!! I wanna go get our son!

We Have a Winner!!

At least for the time-being. Dare I even commit this name to "writing?" What if we (and by we, I mostly mean me) change "our" mind(s)? We still can, you know? It is still well within the realm of possibility. Up until we get our I800 approval, likely a couple months from now, we can switch up our paperwork and go with an entirely different name. In fact, should we choose to do so, we can send over our forms with NO name in the English name portions. Another option? We can use the name we have chosen through this entire process, and once we get home and start the adoption re-finalization process, we can change the name even then! What to do? What to do? Put a name to that sweet, sweet face or leave him Tank? Baby Bo? Ah. What the heck! Here goes. The name we have chosen is.....ETHAN FLETCHER STURGEON!!! Actually, now that we have decided, he really does look like an Ethan, don't you think? Well, for now anyway, we have a name for the newest member of our family, but really, the only part of that name that really matters to us is that last part: Sturgeon!