Thursday, April 19, 2012

Chin Up, Look on the Bright Side, Stay Positive

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Negativity will get me nohwere. Right now, though, I'm having a hard time seeing a silver lining. This LOA wait has me dejected. Like, feeling-like-I'm-going-to-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat dejected. I'm experiencing the sad that makes it hard to want to get up and go teach sad (and I love my job!). It's an almost lethargy-inducing kind of dejection. You get the idea. And it's exhausting to fake it. I try to fake it at work so my students don't feel short-changed. I fake it with co-workers because the last thing I want to do is answer the question, "So, do you know yet when you'll be going?" I know it's well-intentioned, and I truly do appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness they're displaying, but the truth is, when I have to explain the process, the fact that we're still in translation after 58 days only brings to the forefront the reality that we still have many more months before we'll be leaving to go get Ethan. I try to pretend (emphasis on try) it's all good with family and friends. Here's the kicker; I even have to fake it a bit when I'm with the sweetest, happiest, loving-est little guy I know, and that's saying something. (Before anybody gives me the advice to enjoy this time with Aiden as an only child, as a family of three, please know that I am -- we are! We play, we cuddle, we're silly and love-y. In my heart, though, we are now really a family of four with our 2nd son waiting for us half a world away, and that leaves a hole in my heart and a pit in my stomach.) Sadly, the only one I don't wear a facade around is the one person who shouldn't have to deal with it -- the one person who is enduring the wait with me. Yup. My dear hubby. I'm afraid he catches the brunt of it; although, I do try not be a whole lot crabbier than usual. ;) It just that this not knowing is starting to wear on me. Wear me down. Having no control over the process and no real idea what's going on is stressful beyond words. This is the reality of international adoption, I'm afraid. I just don't remember it being this hard last time. Maybe it was, and IA is like pregnancy and labor: block out how truly painful and uncomfortable it can be. Add to this the fact that the longer we wait, the later we travel. The later we travel, the less time Troy will have with Ethan. Right now it would appear that we will go to China right about the time school starts. Go figure. That way I can take up a chunk of my summer doing lesson plans for three months, lose a SIGNIFCANT amount of money on lost wages (do NOT get me started on the policy that allows bio mothers to be able to take 6 weeks paid leave and adoptive parents only 2 weeks!), and have a substitute start the year for me and implement rules and behaviors that I have to deal with upon my return. Most importantly, this travel time would ensure that Troy will get no extra time with Ethan as he would if we traveled even in July. I know that God's timing is perfect and that we will meet Ethan when it is right. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head and heart around this. I need to find peace in the process.

A new picture (to some of you) to illustrate why I am so uptight!


  1. Ditto. I totally understand your very VALID feelings. I want to wear a shirt that says: Warning: Do not ask about the adoption! I was actually trying to think of an analogy today and concluded that it would be similar to asking someone struggling with infertility if they are pregnant yet. Equally as exciting, yet you just don't ask because the "no" is so painful for the hopeful parent. I wish more people understood that.

  2. Hi there,
    Just found your blog through another (Planet R-H). We are waiting on LID and it's driving me crazy--I can't imagine how you are holding up! Your little boy is beyond adorable.
    :-) Hoping for LOA news SOON!

    1. Thanks...we think he's kind of cute, too! ;) Congrats on being DTC. Here's hoping you are quickly LID and VERY quickly receive your LOA (it should be faster for you as you were LOI / PA before LID!). Good luck!!