A Little Something to Get Me Through

The wait is starting to become unbearable. Today is day 85 of our LOA wait, and we're still in translation. On May 22, it will be five MONTHS since our referral. This process is excruciating. Then. At our staff luncheon to celebrate our last day of classes (although we still have teacher work day tomorrow), I happened to glance down at my BlackBerry. Of course, that thing is NEVER out of my sight / reach. You never know when a critical phone call or email may come from the agency. I sat down with my plate full of food, and if you know me, I do mean FULL, out of habit, I clicked on my phone. Two new emails awaited me. From Cheryce. From our agency! The subject lines? "Update" and "Additional Photos." I let out a small, relatively quiet scream, jumped up from the table, and walked across the commons so I could open the attachment up "alone." They included 17 pictures and answered questions about Ethan. My personal family physician -- and cousin by the way -- responded to an email about 10 minutes after I sent it. I love you Jessica! She had the following to say, "Developmentally it sounds like he's right where he should be - speaking a few words, recognizes body parts, playful and interactive." She added, "According to their measurements, he's now 50th percentile for height and 95th percentile for weight (as compared to Chinese boys)." Ah, my lil chunky monkey. My heart is singing! I cried quiet tears of joy. Several female staff members joined in in the ooooo's and aaaah's, God Bless them, but what surprised me most was that a few male staff members even came over to share in the excitement. Seriously, Brandon Valley High School is quite possibly the single best school district in the nation in which to work; I love my co-workers!

Ok. Without further ado, some pictures

Love, love, LOVE this one!!!

Awwww. Our little teacher!

"Now you see, this, this is a blue circle. (Please ignore my split pants!!)

"Hmmmmm. Now where do you suppose all that tea went?"

We have 13 more picture, but since updates are few and far between, I think I'll post them every so often. ;)

His stats are as follows: 26.4 pounds, 30.7 inches tall, and 12 teeth. It is reported that "he has received good care from his foster parents so he is in good health. At present, he can understand most of instructions of adult and follow them. He can understand facial expression of adult and knows adult is happy or unhappy. He can recognize his facial features and point to their positions. He recognizes some daily items such as clothes, shoes, socks, light, apple and so on. He can speak simple words like mom, papa, door, taking, etc.
He is outgoing, active, and lovely. He always readies to smile. Giving him his favorite toys or playing with him can make him happy. He is upset when someone stops him to do his want or other kids grab his toys. (UH OH!) Holding him or kissing him can comfort him. (Awwww!) His favorite toys are ball, building block, wooden horse, etc.
He wakes up at 5:30 AM (UUUH OOH!!!); he goes to bed at 8:30 PM. He takes a nap from 12:00 - 1:30. He sleeps well. He still takes formula with a bottle. (Is it possible I will get to give my baby a bottle? Be still my beating heart.)
His nickname is Day Yong. He has received your family album and his foster parents often show it to him and tell him who are his parents and who is is brother."

So, we're still a long way from LOA, but this goes a long way in comforting me!!! My baby is doing ok, and today, we are almost five months closer to bring our sweet baby Ethan home!! Please pray our travel is sooner rather than later!

Please Understand

It will probably (will) be several more months before we go get Ethan. During this waiting and inactivity, I have been stalking other AP's blogs, living vicariously through those who are moving ahead, going to get their little ones. On several of those blogs, people have been posting requests and helpful hints to family and friends in anticipation of their returns. Those blogs got me to reminiscing about our homecoming with Aiden and obviously looking forward to our eventual return with Ethan. I have been doing an evaluation about how I handled Aiden's attachment / bonding / abandonment issues. In some areas, I did pretty well. In others, though, I failed miserably. One situation I handled very poorly was my desire to be "normal" mom to a "typical" child. Considering the trauma our little guy had been through -- more in 27 months than most people endure in a lifetime -- that notion was beyond absurd. He had lived with his biological / first family for around five months. He was so ill, his heart was so weak, that they were forced to leave him on the steps of a church in hopes for a better life...maybe in hopes of life itself. For two years, he lived in an orpahanage where he was passed from care-taker to care-taker with no real consistency or continuity; where he likely cried with nobody to comfort him; where he in all likelihood did not have enough to eat; where he was cold in the winter and hot in the summer; where he was just one face in hundreds of faces. Still, that had been the only home he knew for two years when a couple of strange looking, strange sounding, strange smelling people who ate strange tasting and even feeling foods came and pulled him away from everything that was familiar and comforting to him. And we drug him half way around the world, literally half way around the world.

When we got home, well-meaning, loving people offered advice about what to do in any given situation, from letting him sleep alone, and to letting him "cry it out," to, "It's ok if I feed him or hold him; he's been home for weeks," and I responded in one of two ways. 1.) I tried hard to implement or take the advice to heart. 2.) Got defensive, frustrated, or angry because I knew this wasn't right for Aiden or our family but didn't feel like I could say anything without looking weak, ineffectual or....defensive, frustrated, or angry.

So, I wanted to share now and maybe again later some of the advice and information fellow international adoptive parents have shared on their blogs. I hope everybody will take this in the spirit in which it is intended: with love and appreciation. We have to be Ethan's staunchest advocates and focus on doing what's right for him. Remember, we really do love and appreciate you all!

Do's:

1. Trust the adoptive parents' instincts. They may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to "normal" behavior.
2. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the parent to see and understand.
3. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.
4. Allow the parents to be the center of the child's world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.
5. Tell the child every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy/daddy he has.
6. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the child looks like he really want to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the child from one person to another or allowing others to hold a newly-adopted child who is not "attached" can make the attachment process that much longer and harder.
7. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
8. There is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many children do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!

Don'ts:

1. Assume a child is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment.
2. Judge the parents' parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder.
3. Make excuses for the child's behaviors or try to make the parents feel better by calling certain behaviors "normal". For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled as strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait in a child who has never experienced disruption, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.
4. Accuse the parents of being overly sensitive or neurotic.
5. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You will be asked not to hold him. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to him who his mommy and daddy are. Allowing people to hold him before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy can be detrimental to the attachment process.
6. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn't understand...after all, the child had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.
7. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the child up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk for attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.
8. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of "putting on a good face" in public.
9. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child at risk for attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need

taken from http://www.drinkwaterfamily.blogspot.com/2010/11/family-and-friends-dos-and-donts.html

As much as I wanted to be an "normal" mom in a "normal" family, there is nothing average, typical or normal about adopting a toddler internationally. Is it beautiful, and wonderful, and fun, and rewarding? ABSOLUTELY!! It is FABULOUS, and I love it. It is, however, also unique and needs to be recognized as such. I sincerely hope this does not sound preachy or whiny or...nuerotic. ;) I merely want to inform and explain. And to say thanks to everybody who cares enough to want to help and who loves us through all of this!!

Apropos

Saw the following on the DTC facebook page I "belong" to:

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object (PERSON) we're waiting for." Charles Stanley (Isaiah 64:4)

Well baby, I've been waiting a long time, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes! What does that tell you about your value?! <3

Chin Up, Look on the Bright Side, Stay Positive

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Negativity will get me nohwere. Right now, though, I'm having a hard time seeing a silver lining. This LOA wait has me dejected. Like, feeling-like-I'm-going-to-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat dejected. I'm experiencing the sad that makes it hard to want to get up and go teach sad (and I love my job!). It's an almost lethargy-inducing kind of dejection. You get the idea. And it's exhausting to fake it. I try to fake it at work so my students don't feel short-changed. I fake it with co-workers because the last thing I want to do is answer the question, "So, do you know yet when you'll be going?" I know it's well-intentioned, and I truly do appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness they're displaying, but the truth is, when I have to explain the process, the fact that we're still in translation after 58 days only brings to the forefront the reality that we still have many more months before we'll be leaving to go get Ethan. I try to pretend (emphasis on try) it's all good with family and friends. Here's the kicker; I even have to fake it a bit when I'm with the sweetest, happiest, loving-est little guy I know, and that's saying something. (Before anybody gives me the advice to enjoy this time with Aiden as an only child, as a family of three, please know that I am -- we are! We play, we cuddle, we're silly and love-y. In my heart, though, we are now really a family of four with our 2nd son waiting for us half a world away, and that leaves a hole in my heart and a pit in my stomach.) Sadly, the only one I don't wear a facade around is the one person who shouldn't have to deal with it -- the one person who is enduring the wait with me. Yup. My dear hubby. I'm afraid he catches the brunt of it; although, I do try not be a whole lot crabbier than usual. ;) It just that this not knowing is starting to wear on me. Wear me down. Having no control over the process and no real idea what's going on is stressful beyond words. This is the reality of international adoption, I'm afraid. I just don't remember it being this hard last time. Maybe it was, and IA is like pregnancy and labor: block out how truly painful and uncomfortable it can be. Add to this the fact that the longer we wait, the later we travel. The later we travel, the less time Troy will have with Ethan. Right now it would appear that we will go to China right about the time school starts. Go figure. That way I can take up a chunk of my summer doing lesson plans for three months, lose a SIGNIFCANT amount of money on lost wages (do NOT get me started on the policy that allows bio mothers to be able to take 6 weeks paid leave and adoptive parents only 2 weeks!), and have a substitute start the year for me and implement rules and behaviors that I have to deal with upon my return. Most importantly, this travel time would ensure that Troy will get no extra time with Ethan as he would if we traveled even in July. I know that God's timing is perfect and that we will meet Ethan when it is right. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head and heart around this. I need to find peace in the process.

A new picture (to some of you) to illustrate why I am so uptight!

Hy Chi Predictions

Oh, how I hope this is right!

Tired of Waiting

Like the title says. I'm tired of waiting. I am going to go get Ethan. Shouldn't be a problem. I've got my map:


View Larger Map


I've got my directions:

5. Take exit 10B to merge onto I-90 W 935 mi
6. Merge onto I-15 S 7.6 mi
7. Slight left onto I-90 W 579 mi
8. Take exit 10 to merge onto I-405 N toward Bellevue 3.3 mi
9. Take the exit toward WA-520 W 0.5 mi
10. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for Washington 520 W and merge onto WA-520 W
Partial toll road 5.8 mi
11. Take the Montlake Blvd exit
Toll road 0.5 mi
12. Merge onto Montlake Blvd E 0.3 mi
13. Slight left onto NE Pacific St 0.8 mi
14. Slight left onto NE Northlake Way 0.2 mi
15. Turn left to stay on NE Northlake Way 79 ft
16. Turn right to stay on NE Northlake Way 1.0 mi
17. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean 2,756 mi
18. Continue straight 0.1 mi
19. Turn left onto Kuilima Dr 0.5 mi
20. Take the 3rd right onto HI-83 W 12.4 mi
21. Continue straight onto HI-99 S/​Kamehameha Hwy 6.5 mi
22. Slight left onto HI-80 S/​Kamehameha Hwy
Continue to follow Kamehameha Hwy 2.1 mi
23. Take the Interstate H-2 S ramp to Honolulu 0.2 mi
24. Merge onto I-H-2 S 7.9 mi
25. Merge onto I-H-1 E 4.7 mi
26. Take exit 13B toward Halawa Hts. Stadium 0.3 mi
27. Merge onto I-H-201 E 4.1 mi
28. Merge onto I-H-1 E 4.1 mi
29. Take exit 23 for Punahou St toward Waikiki/​Manoa 0.2 mi
30. Turn right onto Punahou St 0.1 mi
31. Turn right onto S Beretania St 0.1 mi
32. Take the 1st left onto Kalakaua Ave 1.9 mi
33. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean 3,879 mi
34. Turn left toward 県道275号線 0.4 mi
35. Turn left toward 県道275号線 358 ft
36. Turn left toward 県道275号線 0.2 mi
37. Turn right onto 県道275号線 0.1 mi
38. Turn left onto 国道125号線 0.1 mi
39. Turn right onto 県道24号線 0.6 mi
40. Turn left at 千束町（交差点） onto 国道354号線 2.0 mi
41. Turn right at 中村陸橋下（交差点） to stay on 国道354号線 1.0 mi
42. Take the ramp to 常磐自動車道
Toll road 0.3 mi
43. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for 東京 and merge onto 常磐自動車道
Toll road 23.8 mi
44. Take exit 三郷ＪＣＴ on the right toward 首都高・銀座・湾岸線
Toll road 0.7 mi
45. Merge onto 首都高速6号三郷線
Toll road 5.8 mi
46. Take exit 小菅ＪＣＴ toward 湾岸線・銀座
Toll road 0.3 mi
47. Merge onto 首都高速中央環状線
Toll road 0.4 mi
48. Take exit 堀切ＪＣＴ on the right toward 銀座
Toll road 0.3 mi
49. Merge onto 首都高速6号向島線
Toll road 5.4 mi
50. Take exit 江戸橋ＪＣＴ on the right toward 神田橋・北池袋
Toll road 0.4 mi
51. Merge onto 首都高速都心環状線
Toll road 3.8 mi
52. Take exit 谷町ＪＣＴ on the right toward 東名・渋谷
Toll road 0.3 mi
53. Merge onto 首都高速3号渋谷線
Toll road 6.9 mi
54. Continue onto 東名高速道路
Toll road 189 mi
55. Take exit 豊田ＪＣＴ toward 東海環状・伊勢湾岸道・豊田東出口・土岐ＪＣＴ・四日市・新名神
Toll road 0.3 mi
56. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 伊勢湾岸道・四日市・新名神 and merge onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road 19.8 mi
57. Take the ramp onto 伊勢湾岸自動車道
Toll road 12.1 mi
58. Take exit 四日市ＪＣＴ on the right toward 東名阪道・大阪・伊勢道
Toll road 0.6 mi
59. Merge onto 東名阪自動車道
Toll road 13.8 mi
60. Take exit 亀山ＪＣＴ toward 新名神・京都・大阪
Toll road 0.6 mi
61. Merge onto 新名神高速道路
Toll road 30.9 mi
62. Take exit 草津ＪＣＴ toward 草津ＰＡ・名神・京滋・京都・大阪
Toll road 0.2 mi
63. Take exit 草津ＰＡ on the right toward 名神
Toll road 0.5 mi
64. Merge onto 名神高速道路
Toll road 30.1 mi
65. Take exit 吹田ＪＣＴ toward 中国道・山陽道・宝塚・岡山
Toll road 1.1 mi
66. Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road 18.8 mi
67. Take exit 神戸ＪＣＴ toward 山陽道・岡山・徳島
Toll road 0.9 mi
68. Merge onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road 192 mi
69. Take exit 廿日市ＪＣＴ on the right toward 山陽道・岩国・北九州
Toll road 0.9 mi
70. Merge onto 広島岩国道路
Toll road 7.3 mi
71. Take the ramp onto 山陽自動車道
Toll road 59.2 mi
72. Take exit 山口ＪＣＴ on the right toward 中国道・下関・北九州
Toll road 0.8 mi
73. Merge onto 中国自動車道
Toll road 39.9 mi
74. Continue onto 関門橋
Toll road 5.9 mi
75. Continue onto 九州自動車道 (signs for 九州道・福岡・熊本)
Toll road 215 mi
76. Take exit 高速鹿児島ＩＣ toward 鹿児島出口・南九州道・川内・伊集院
Toll road 0.2 mi
77. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for 川内・伊集院・南九州道 and merge onto 国道3号線
Partial toll road 0.4 mi
78. Take exit 鹿児島西Ｉ．Ｃ on the right toward 南九州道
Toll road 0.4 mi
79. Merge onto 南九州西回り自動車道(市来~鹿児島西)/​鹿児島道路
Toll road 12.7 mi
80. Take the ramp to 国道3号線
Partial toll road 0.9 mi
81. Turn left at 市来Ｉ．Ｃ入口（交差点） onto 国道3号線 (signs for 川内・串木野) 4.5 mi
82. Turn left at 串木野駅（交差点） onto 県道38号線 1.0 mi
83. Turn right 0.2 mi
84. Turn left 0.1 mi
85. Turn left 351 ft
86. Take the 串木野~里~中甑~鹿島~長浜 ferry
Partial toll road 40.3 mi
87. Turn left toward 県道349号線 174 ft
88. Turn right toward 県道349号線 187 ft
89. Turn left onto 県道349号線 5.4 mi
90. Turn right to stay on 県道349号線 1.2 mi
91. Turn left onto 県道350号線 2.1 mi
92. Jet ski across the Pacific Ocean 486 mi
93. Continue straight onto 塘后支路 0.2 mi
94. Turn right onto 塘后路 0.3 mi
95. Turn left onto 双城路 0.7 mi
96. Turn right onto 永清路 .7 mi
97. Turn left onto 宝杨路 0.3 mi
98. Slight right to stay on 宝杨路 0.4 mi
99. Take the 2nd right onto 同济路 1.1 mi
100. Turn left onto 富锦路 0.3 mi
101. Take the ramp on the left onto G1501上海绕城高速
Partial toll road 14.4 mi
102. Take exit G15/​宁波/​南通 toward G15沈海高速
Toll road 0.2 mi
103. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G15沈海高速
Toll road 286 mi
104. Take exit G25/​临沂/​连云港港口 toward G25长深高速
Toll road 0.2 mi
105. Take exit 临沂 on the left to merge onto G25长深高速
Toll road 15.0 mi
106. Take exit 班庄/​黑林/​临沂 on the left
Partial toll road 0.7 mi
107. Turn left toward 327国道 0.9 mi
108. Take the 1st right toward 327国道 0.1 mi
109. Continue straight onto 327国道
Partial toll road 19.8 mi
110. Slight left to stay on 327国道 0.8 mi
111. Slight right to stay on 327国道
Partial toll road 14.4 mi
112. Continue onto 沂河路 5.3 mi
113. Take the ramp to G2京沪高速
Partial toll road 0.3 mi
114. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G2京沪高速
Toll road 99.7 mi
115. Take the exit on the left onto S29滨莱高速
Toll road 82.0 mi
116. Continue onto G25长深高速
Toll road 27.0 mi
117. Merge onto G18荣乌高速
Toll road 85.5 mi
118. Slight right onto G25长深高速
Toll road 75.7 mi
119. Take the exit on the left onto 唐津高速
Toll road 26.6 mi
120. Keep right at the fork and merge onto G1京哈高速
Toll road 331 mi
121. Slight right to stay on G1京哈高速
Toll road 159 mi
122. Take the exit on the left onto G0102长春绕城高速
Toll road 7.2 mi
123. Take exit 长白山西景区/​长春/​伊通 on the left toward 人民大街
Toll road 0.9 mi
124. Keep left at the fork to continue toward 人民大街
Partial toll road 1.2 mi
125. Slight right onto 人民大街 1.1 mi
126. Make a U-turn at 南环城路 0.2 mi
127. Turn right 210 ft
128. Turn right 0.1 mi
129. Take the 1st left 217 ft

Changchun, Jilin, China!!

Now, those pesky toll roads may add up and #17 and #33 MAY pose some challenges, but darn it, I think I'm up to it! Besides, #92 should be fun! Here's the thing. If I have to wait much longer (and it looks like I may since we're STILL IN TRANSLATION! GRRRR!), I may take matters into my own hands. Wish me luck!

102 Days

It has been 102 days since we first saw Ethan Fletcher's adorable little face. Over three months since we looked at those kissable cheeks. Three-plus months since our referral of Chang Bo Yong. Our LOI was submitted 47 days ago -- as soon as it was possible after we were logged in over there. We are 41 days into our LOA wait.

I guess the serinity prayer works here as well as anywhere! I can't do anything to move the process along; it's out of my hands. I need patience and acceptance that we will get our approval when the time is right and not a second before. So, God, please grant me patience. NOW -- if possible!!!