Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Warring Emotions

Two weeks from today, Troy and I will be en-route to China, to our son, to the last branch of our little family tree. A part of me, a huge part, is excited beyond words. This excited part was further thrilled by about 1 minute and 10 seconds of video we received of Carter last night. He is precious, adorable, and appears to be ever so sweet! I have butterflies; I'm distractable; I'm emotional. These are likely emotions every parent has before meeting their child for the first time regardless of the manner in which they are growing their family. I simply cannot wait to meet Carter, get to know him, bring him home to his brothers.

However, another part of me is stressed and desperately scared and sad. In order to complete our family, Troy and I have to board a plane and fly half way around the world, and in the process, we have leave our children behind. Up until recently, I've been able to distract myself with the logistical nightmare of leaving our kids with others for over two weeks. I've been able to immerse myself in the minutiae of schedules, directions, organizing, travel planning, and adoption paperwork. Well. That is essentially done leaving me time to obsess about Aiden and Ethan. Don't get me wrong, we love and trust implicitly the people who are coming to take of the boys. Obviously. Otherwise we wouldn't be entrusting our the most precious part of our lives with them. Heck, the boys will likely get better care in our absence. ;) That does not, though, stop my heart from aching at the prospect of being separated from them for such a long time. It does not stop my imagination from running wild -- completely out of character for me.... Oh wait. Nope. Completely the norm. What if something dreadful happens to the boys? I won't be there to comfort and care for them. What if they are scared and sad at night and only want their momma and cannot be consoled? What if something happens to Troy and me....? What if, what if, what if...? The logical part of me says, worrying and contemplating worst-case scenarios serves no purpose, accomplishes nothing. Not obsessing is easier said than done. So, please pray for us. Pray for the boys and the brave people taking care of them. Pray for their safety, health, and their emotional well-being (all of them, but for the boys, I worry about abandonment issues and other fears resurfacing). Please pray for our safety and health as we travel as well. Finally, please pray for Carter. Carter whose world will so soon be turned upside down. Carter who, although may have been told about us and his imminent adoption, has no real concept or way of comprehending what all of this is really about. Please pray for his health and well-being as well, but please also pray that God is preparing his heart and that he will feel our love and feel welcome and comfortable with us. We pray he will attach and bond with us and that his grieving, although inevitable, will not be debilitating nor long-lasting.

Now, if you can stand the unimaginable, unbelievable cuteness and sweetness, watch THIS -- what we received last night (and in keeping with previous updates, I had said to Troy the night before THAT, "I really need to SEE him. Our last update didn't include pictures or video. I really NEED to see him to get me through the next two weeks!" Well, here we go...!)


and you will understand why a large part of me is elated to be leaving in two weeks. Be still my heart!

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